From A Spark To A Song – Firstborn
From all the emotions defining the album “Vague Souvenir”, the ones that unexpectedly emerged from the song “Firstborn” have been the most difficult and painful to personally embrace, deeply embody and publicly assume. Words and sounds unfolded themselves in an undeniable truth; no matter how deep I had buried some of the most personal and intimate of all emotional distress and sorrows, even the most shadowing of all wandering darkness wouldn’t be able to veil a desperate heart and grieving soul from the redeeming light of a sincere whisper for mercy and grace. As much as “Mightiest Of Guns” had been the honest nature by which “Vague Souvenir” would be founded, “Firstborn” has been the soulful essence of absolution the album’s journey would be about…
It’s no secret, especially if you are familiar with my affection towards scribbling mystical words and my propensity to use liturgical symbolism, that I have always been intrigued by the measure of faith implicitly involved in the personal beliefs and spiritual convictions of conceptual doctrines defining the likes of High Principles such as mercy, redemption, forgiveness and salvation, only to mention a few… all elements of a profound interrogational journey I have been exploring since childhood from which some of my lyrics and other pieces of poetry are inspired from, reflected by and referring to (the lyrics of Final Fantasy theme song “The Messenger” being metaphorically about the Passover). As much as I always despised the likes of pre-fabricated, singer-preacher, cookie cutter type of religious superstars, Josh Tillman’s words really came as a true refreshment for my heart and soul. His personal perspective towards spiritual reflections found a way to profoundly touch and move me. Was it our somehow similar religious family background or the familiar tone of his musing contemplation towards the state of being free to be, rather than striving to fashion some mythological embodiment of freedom? Whatever it was, I felt compelled to pay attention to the emotions that were coming from within the realm of my own pretensions…
Therefore, contrary to the song “Mightiest Of Guns”, of which I guess I had a better understanding of the emotional implication and was somehow more familiar with the redemptive nature that had every single one of its words imprinted on my heart when I decided to make the song my own, “Firstborn” revealed its redeeming essence in the most unexpected ways. Years before contemplating the sake of creating an intimate project called “Vague Souvenir”, I saw a humble video intended to visually support the song “Firstborn”… I saw “Firstborn” before truly hearing it from a lyrical and musical point of view. And somehow, those images, words and sounds truly struck me deep inside. I saw images of faith and hope, as much as I heard words of redemption and sounds of letting go… They reminded me that sometimes we do have to lose the secure illusion of our comforting senses in order to fully embrace what it means to truly be alive, in a profound resurrecting incarnation of being… So we can be alive, rather than act as if we were. As if the tight uniform of some happy pretension I had sadly learned to wear over the years to supposedly protect myself from standing alongside enemies calling me brother, were not fitting my weary self anymore. Neither did the even sadder costume I cynically wore as a resigned type of self-deceiving comfort and whose only self-acknowledged purpose was to turn my inner hopelessness into the most implacable enemies for my secret and fragile state of dreams… myself.
In a pure rhetorical perspective, I can say that I always find it quite incredible to see how bad of an emotional illusionist we all can be when it’s time to pretend, when trying to fool our heart and soul with some choked up ostentation of a personified freedom, as we’re trying to deceive our much aware conscience with all sorts of cheap “better than the real thing” pitiful non-sense type of affective trickeries. Seriously acting as if we were believing even the smallest bit of it, the lies we so perfectly wrapped with our fears and doubts, in the ultimate of all monological argumentative self-righteous display of spiritual commedia dell’arte and absolute incarnation of what we see fit as being the oath of all biblical truth. As much as I’ve tried, and God knows that I did try, I have never been able to believe in the most brilliantly composed make-believes nor in my capacity to spend the rest of my life smiling for the sake of my own miserable reflection. I never quite believed into that “swallow, it will pass” type of happiness masquerade, but I did live by it for a time, as if resignation would taste any better than any of the daily deceptions I had to face and if acting out I was happy would ever fulfill my sorrowful soul at the end of the day. I was wrong, on all accounts… wrong and sorry. Thinking that whatever torments might feed my obstinacy to avoid the pain, comfort, even if fake, was better than anything I knew at the time. Hiding my desperate self rather than openly exposing my fragile heart to dishonest companions who might kill the remaining of my dreams way before they could be called regrets. Avoiding the pain in order to stay alive. So I thought at the time. Yes, I was wrong and sorry…
Quite surprisingly, it took me some time to realize how tightly settled I was to survive dressed up in such emotional deception. Every make-believe and every illusion, even those we’ve learned to wear so lightly and graciously, are not only killing the heartfelt essence of who we are, but are slowly taking away the pure authenticity of our unique senses one after the other… leaving us colorblind and faithless. Regrets might kill our ability to believe in rebirth, but the acceptance of living as a shadow is the self-condemnation of our most precious gift, which is our hope in a brand new dawn. Whatever the reasons we have to keep ourself away from the tiniest of all morning shimmers, without hope, we are senseless impostors painting our 2 tone type of lives with the binary numbers of our own delusion. All framed up for anyone to believe in the legitimacy of our fake colors, acting as far as consciously acknowledging somebody else’s shadows in order to simulate some mutual validation of what we know is the fraudulent essence our own fake neon halo. Even if we do know deep inside that any of our cold artificial glows can be turned into the genuine warm freeing nature of living in broad daylight. And it’s only after years of fake lights and “unwhispered” prayers that I realized how intrinsically connected we all are, trying to create ourselves a brighter type of personal hell. Self-made firstborn of a season without any Passover covenant to hope for, to live by or die by. Faithlessly dry, as if hope itself was nothing without faith… nothing but pieces of empty promises and other wishful thinking. Freedom without a will to live, which is a poetic way to say “captive in the most abject of all ways to live, living each day as if you were dead”… as if being captive of our own soulless persona was a better incarnation than accepting to live as being personally imperfect and publicly exposed. As if freedom was a concept by which we could dress misery in bright colors in order to call it a rainbow. Call it heaven or call it hell, I thought, as long as it looks like freedom. Brighter hell in grand style… Captivity in all matters… Nonetheless, death in every way…
And it’s on the set of The Bla Bla Bla: The Live Show that I unexpectedly saw those seeds of old reminiscent thoughts, doubted reflections and fearful contemplations blooming into an epiphanic state of emotional awakening… hope and faith. As if those seeds were so vividly real, that even if I kept them so perfectly hidden in the midst of my secret chamber and kept denying their healing essence by covering my heart with so many self-inflected emotional wounds, my affective illusions and apathetic make-believes could not prevent their redemptive character to grow and bloom in such tremendous way. Bearing the fruits of merciful lights and dazzling salvation… hope and faith. That would later give birth to the liberating project ”Vague Souvenir”… intimate journey that slowly revealed its nature by the first words I barely whispered as an introduction to the song “Firstborn”… spontaneous confession of a man letting go and being set free… imperfect and exposed, but from now on forgiven and free…
“This song is called Firstborn.
This is a song I would have loved my father to sing for me as a child,
before all the mistakes that I’ve done.
And maybe I would have been a better man…
I would have tasted what it feels like to be free…”
Comments (12)
Anna
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How can you add anything to this blog… such a vividly painted canvas of things we don’t always want to see, that we desperately try to hide behind shades of black… but like any good painter, we know that there’s always more than what meets the eye behind the shades that we choose … This blog really spoke to me … just like the song… the single introduction of it led me to tears… as I too wished that my father would have sung this song to me… As growing up never really had one around, and when he was around I desperately did everything in my power to be the little girl I thought he wanted to see… Everyday wearing some kind of mask… too afraid to disappoint by being myself… too afraid to get hurt… And I quickly learned that wearing a mask was the best way for being loved by others… or so I thought. But then I met my family (YFE family of course) and they showed me the true beauty of what it was to live life being me… no masks … no pretending… just being me. Must admit that it’s a scary thing and sometimes I want to put on my mask again… but I am surrounded by brothers and sisters who are able to see past that and everyday love me for who I truly am… good or bad…
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Elizabeth
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i came back to read the wonderful new comments today and was reminded once again of a quote that has touched me so deeply that i guess i would say it is my philosophical foundation…for me, everything follows from it… “I know there is a force within me, desperately trying to love me into life” (John Collins). I call that “force” the Holy Spirit, you may call it something else, but I truly believe that this Force is doing the same within all of us, even within creation itself.. I can “hear” its voice speaking through the blog and comments here..blowing life into fading or long dead embers of faith..resurrection.. Thank you all for speaking from your knees, like a “condemned man (or woman)”…the greatest wisdom often seems to flow from that place..
love you…
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Sef
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Faith and hope…this pretension I had to share and even teach about it with a multitude of words without ever exposing what was really living inside of me…when the storm struck, all those words faded away, giving place to the vanity in my life… Becoming like sand and dust…slipping through my fingers as I was trying to hold on… Dude… playing the game just to please people’s eyes, constantly led me in the same place… sand and dust… nothing left… holding people captive only to keep feeding my own illusions. I realized it was only on my knees that I was able to see this light…this invitation to live the moment giving myself an opportunity to be filled with something different… something that was so far from my own understanding…and like my brother has shared so well (or at least the way I understood it!!) There are moments that have the power to overwhelm our old human nature that is to hide behind our make-believes, they give us this opportunity to let go and have faith. And through Alex’s inspiring sharing… a crazy hairy dude like me is led to be exposed and live what it truly means to be free.
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Marcel B.
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You know Sef,
for me it was the same in my past. And what you say about that what was left was only sand and dust is so true! It was for me the same and i was on my knees as well, hoping just for one thing, for salvation…
And i found it in music. In a simple moment, through a simple but so powerful song which changed my whole life!
It was one of your songs 😉
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Ben
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It’s hard to add anything to this amazing blog, such a vivid and clear description of things not seen but deeply felt. For me, this song is a great portrait of complete surrender we can experiment….but not forfeit acceptance and honesty. An open invitation to leave our old self behind and to grasp what you truly are…with all the things that define you ….good or bad. To let the light expose who you are without all your fears. I love the lyrics that say ”say it like a condemn man”… because most of the time when you’re condemned….there’s no turning back and you have nothing to loose anymore…. and without that fear of loosing, that’s when you truly are free. This is something I tell myself when I’m scared….and it’s something I avoid telling myself when I’m terrified…lol not to make it worst. It’s amazing to see how beautiful people are when they allow themselves to be true… and I’m always deeply touched when someone shares about his/her weaknesses …. nothing to be afraid of …only a beautiful statement that says, ” This is me, I am ”.
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Jeff
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I quickly realized while entering my early 20’s, that my father was like so many others, just a classic selfish loser who spent more time teaching me how to lie, steel, and to know exactly when it was time to leave a situation… since being M. Nice Guy was always more important than anything else… All those memories were going through my mind as we were rehearsing this song all the band together and it got me teary-eyed knowing how deeply loved I am, right now, today. Being surrounded by people that would do everything in order for me to be more than happy in life, to be free… It’s so hard to get rid of our dark sides, our fears, our doubts always creating a separation between myself and my dear ones. Although I only lived 17 years at a place I once called home… those shadows still follow… I, like so many others, would have loved to have a different father, but I didn’t, and it would have been so easy to blame him for everything, for not teaching me loyalty, courage and righteousness… But those are things my bandmates, best friends and family are still teaching me and my heart. As I was watching Alex sing with all his guts and soul, I felt so blessed, so thankful, and I wished to be the brother they deserved in return… A free man, filled with love and compassion… Having enough courage to be there for them no matter what’s ahead, and this, for as long as today will be…
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Max
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Thanks for sharing Jeff… I can really relate to what you are saying… It’s like, since we were deprived from our father’s love… we always tried to serve ourselves in order to be fulfilled… but it never really happened… We can’t fulfill this void ourselves… It’s impossible! I must admit you’ve been very inspiring in terms of loyalty, courage and righteousness! So it means it’s possible to be a light in the midst of our shadows!
Thanks!
Max
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Elizabeth
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I just read the blog again – slowly – it will take much time to absorb the thoughts and flight into Insight there, but some ideas have been sparked in my own mind and heart as I read your words, dear alex (or fire angel, as i like to call you..) I think for me there is not a clear line of the old and the new, the alive and the dead, enemy and friends, peace and turmoil, truth and illusion…somehow those barriers keep fading more and more for me with each passing day.. I read a lot of words from a man named Richard Rohr who speaks of “dual” and “non-dual” thinking. In dual thinking, black and white are simply that – in non-dual thinking there is the possibility of “and/or” together – everything somehow merging into One because they already are, redeemed and transformed in timelessness. I agree with you so fully that we are all interconnected, in ways far beyond our imagining. I think that is a wonderfully hopeful thought, though it also bears with it great responsibility, for if one suffers, we do indeed all suffer – it follows that if one rejoices, in some way we all rejoice as well. I know personally that i often feel great weight in my own heart – like an anvil that could crush me if i did not seek the Light above me and allow it to lift some of the heaviness. Sometimes i wonder if it might be easier to “give into” the voices…to sink deeper and deeper into that hungry darkness that wants to feed on my soul, but there is a “survival instinct” within me – something like a physical response to drowning – that causes me to fight the downward pull and reach upward with the little strength i can muster, which becomes greater as soon as I look up. I almost drowned once, long ago, and i can still experience those feelings – seeing the light playing on the water far above, pushing up up up to reach it and feeling my lungs almost burst before i finally broke the surface and gulped in AIR, LIFE, LIGHT!! Spiritually the journey is often the same.. I guess i would say that i do wear “masks” from time to time, but i’m not sure that is the right definition for what i and most likely others are living. Each of us has a war going on inside at all times, and we have an amazing prerogative to choose which side we will embrace – the dark or the light – it is the choice we make that we “show” the outside world, and that may indeed be an “illusion” of sorts if what we are feeling most strongly on the inside is not what we choose to reveal, but for me it is not wrong to choose to reveal Light, even if that is not fully the “me” within..in fact, i know that for me personally, the journey toward the Light within will be life-long, continuing in some way even after death, for i am quite sure that i will not want to spend eternity in whatever state i find myself in when i do at last pass through that door. But for now, I long to be Light in every situation i find myself, as much as is possible with help from the Source of Life itself.. I know i will fail in infinite times and ways- i have already more times than i could begin to count – but i know too that there is indeed mercy and grace and that even my “mistakes” and failings can somehow miraculously give birth to beauty…that is truly the miracle of salvation..
thank you again for this sharing of your heart and invitation to others to share!
love always and praying!! mom/eliz
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Chris
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I would love to see things with as much deepness and meaning, simply by looking at a video or hearing words… To surrender to a point where everything would be different after, this is what I see that the song allowed you to live…I have to admit that after reading this blog, I have more understanding of the freedom aspect of it. I even shared it with my friends on my wall…
How can we be free enough to say that even the day that we would rule, we’d be able to use a open hand? And that even on the day where we’d talk, we’d be able to say what we have to say as a condemn man? Confident that nothing has the power or authority to condemn us if it’s not our will…
Freedom is something that we experiment daily, removing one layer at a time, learning to appreciate the taste of wind and fresh air on our skin…Exposing ourselves more and more, our true skin and nature, bared at the end, but real…
This blog is one more layer off of my shoulders. More to come of course, but it’s okay, life is a journey…and from my perspective, it’s only starting!!
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Marjo
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Hopefully, there is no need to be the “Firstborn” in life…to taste, embrace and benefit from this convenant… Actually, this song reminds me to be grateful for the life I have because…even though…I never really had biological parents to teach me… what it is to be a woman… I have been blessed with a spiritual father… with mentors that chose to involve themselves in my life…the big brothers & sisters, friends I now call family…Thanks to all, for teaching, inspiring, guiding and leading me…with words, music, or by being living testimonies of faith and courage… while humbly dealing with your own personal issues in life…Because, thanks to that, I could learn, be inspired and grow…and because of that, every day…I also got the courage to face my own demons… while knowing I am not alone!! And thanks Alex…for being more than just “amongst” those people I have enumerated right here…Thanks for having the courage of facing your own self, striping down all those make-believes in your life…And bro, no matter how long it may have taken, no matter the wrong paths you might taken in the past…I pray that you may enjoy embracing this new and hopeful season taking place in your life…where you can finally taste and feel…what it is, to be free!! Keep on being courageous, and enjoy being alive brother!!
With love, Marjo xx
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Stephanie
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Commedia dell’arte… I needed to look this one up in the dictionary…
“A form of theater characterized by masked types, which closest translation if “comedy of craft”…
Comedies were there to help people out of their boredom. To make them live something different, real or not. And wearing a mask means you never have to be exposed. Whatever role you have, whatever words you say… Who cares? Nobody knows you, anyway…
And this is what I like so much about this blog. It’s all about being exposed. And how beautiful freedom is when it finally blooms. When freedom lets its true colors shine. I’ll be honest, I’ve been crafting myself a brighter hell for a long time. And it was so bright I couldn’t really distinguish anything in it. Everything was the same. I could wear whatever mask I wanted. As long as I had a mask. And this comedy I have been playing myself has probably been the saddest one.
Today, I am glad I have met people who cared enough to see through the countless masks I had. I won’t lie, at times I’d like to wear them again. At times I try to wear them. But now I know what is real… I know what freedom is… And I know I still have much to discover about it… 🙂
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Marcel B.
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I think there’re always times for everyone of us, where we try to wear one of the many masks we have.
And sometimes it’s maybe easier for that specific moment. But i think when we wear those masks we will never be able to really grasp and live the moment fully.
And honestly I don’t think you need to wear them, because you’re amazing the way you’re! =)
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